Who Is Guiding My Heart?

Testimony

My name is Gary Chafin, elder of the Good News Dallas Church. I have been born again for 9 years. Very recently, God revealed to me at the weekly men’s meeting that I had not been preaching the gospel correctly. I realized how arrogant and evil I was. I could not quit thinking about how little I knew of the Word compared to the Holy Spirit in the pastor.

When the Lord revealed the truth of righteousness to me I was overwhelmed by feeling of joy, happiness and peace. At that moment I cried at my desk. No one can explain that deep feeling and connection with God to someone who hasn’t experienced it. Then I could read the Bible many times over the years. Also the Lord sent me all over the world to different churches to experience His work. How great it was to be around Pastor Ock Soo Park and all of the servants preaching the gospel and seeing God’s work.

My first four years of salvation the Lord allowed me to prosper and I thought that I had very strong faith. For the last six years I was doing prison ministry along with my wife Suzie. But the Lord set His hand upon my prosperity and my business started failing during five of those years; I began to lose faith. Anger set in and I argued with the pastor, saw wrong things with the church, and questioned about decisions made for preaching the gospel. I began to hate going to church.

Three years ago I left the church in an argument with a pastor and stayed away almost a year. But I still went to the prison to preach. This was a tool to lift myself up to God with arrogance. I complained, “I am preaching the Words. Why are You not blessing me with prosperity? This is not fair! As you promised, You have to bless me!”

Satan was dragging me to his world of distrust. I was following him through thoughts, knowing I was, but could not stop. I was deceived. Satan used the Word with the Law and self-righteousness. How can God let me be ashamed and humiliated continually before lawyers, friends and family? I started thinking what a hypocrite I am to preach the gospel and say, “Come to God and my church,” while I was in such turmoil.

Two years ago, when our new pastor got dispatched, I came back to the church. I was still not prospering and had many struggles within the world of my heart. God was revealing many things to me but I could not retain them. I really didn’t focus upon the Word or God’s heart. When pastors came to Dallas for Bible seminars, I counseled with them. I thought I had discovered the key to my spiritual life but nothing changed. I read that I was a wretched man and there was no good in me, but I found that I was holding on to a great deal of goodness about myself.

In the summer of 2011, I was invited to go to Uganda, Kenya, Malawi and Tanzania with Pastor Ock Soo Park. I worried about my financial situation. Pastor Mun encouraged me saying how few get this opportunity to be with Pastor Park and see God’s work. I thought, “If I go, maybe God will bless me and lift His hand from these circumstances.” So I decided to go. What a shallow man I am, how self seeking I am!

As difficult circumstances came upon me, I fell more into despair. I thought I would rather leave the church and quit thinking about all this. I wanted to stop running my wife crazy with all my despair and anger.

I prayed, “O Lord, I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to be ashamed. What will people say about my God? People would say how pitiful I am and how shallow my gospel was.” My eyes were shut so I could not see myself. Still, in my arrogance, I thought I can get out of this if I try.

During the 2012 winter retreat, I thought I could bring many business people and others to the retreat. As I worked for this retreat with my skills and ability, I believed that God will lift His hand and allow me to prosper again. As a result, I didn’t do anything after negotiating with the hotel, but I only argued with all the pastors. I was right and they were wrong as they made many mistakes. All I was doing was going against God and His servants. In spite of my foolishness, it was a great success. What a failure I am!

What can I say before God and the saints of the body of Christ? Nothing!

 It has come to my mind that I can trust nothing but God’s Word. One may speculate that it is always good to preach the gospel no matter what is going on. But as I looked back the last 6 years I would testify many times before the church, family, friends, and new acquaintances what I had been doing at the prison. How many souls were saved and how great God was working thru Suzie and me. The prison ministry became my righteous “ticket” to compensation and favor before God, as well the church and servants of God. Self-righteousness was streaming from my heart but I didn’t recognize it. This was not my ministry but the Lord’s ministry. This was the time for me to throw away my evil heart.

What is the conclusion of 9 years in the church? It is hard not to retain goodness in my heart, not seek my own way. I should believe God’s Words and listen to the shepherd that God has placed over me. I should stop looking at circumstances in the world, judging the church and the servants. I can do nothing on my own but all things are possible with God.

What do I know? That Jesus came to save me and impute His righteousness to me for eternal life. I am righteous in God’s eyes. He will finish in me what He started, never leave me or forsake me. He loves me and thinks upon me always. All our spiritual lives are shaped by God, each in very different ways, but for the same reason and direction. This is just my story of how God is working.

These days God is giving me more peace, bringing me closer to the pastor, and letting me see the importance of sharing so that the church becomes of one heart and one mind. I am coming to hate all things about me and this world. Only God is good! My only hope is Jesus. I cannot count the blessings God is bestowing upon me even as I write this article. Bless the saints and servants that preach the gospel around the world and let your grace be forever.